Java Fueled Journaling – 3

The poison of the day
The poison of the day

13 April 2014, 10:10:30 AM

Dear Java Fueled Journal,

Go figure. Another night of java-fuel for my nicotine enriched, oxygen deprived, gamma-raydiated brain. Its crazy! It’s wild! A circus and a freaking freak show! It’s like…well…like…gosh, you know what it’s like. It’s like all my brain cells are at war with each other and nobody chose sides and nobody has a uniform and no cell wants to align with another. I got neuron Nazis blitzkrieging their way from one side of my temporal lobe to the other side of whatever lobe. Meanwhile, the rest of me is sitting here listening to Ricky Skaggs, Drive By Truckers, Marshall Tucker Band and a little Lumineers to spice things up. Oh yeah, and trying to write, since I haven’t written anything at all in the last few days. Although I found out about it late, I actually thought about writing some poems to get on track with NaPoWriMo. Even though, as a rule, I don’t write poetry, I thought this would be a good opportunity to start writing more. Too bad for you it’s not working out that way. You don’t know what you are missing not reading the poetry I am sure I won’t write.

It’s alright, though. I’m determined and motivated. The java-fuel has me energized. I have a plan. It probably isn’t a very good one, but at least it’s a plan. I am going to start a new poetry writing challenge. I’ll call it National Write A Few Poems In April Month – NaWriAFPoInAprMo will be the acronym. The plan is to write at least one poem every three days for the rest of the month – six in total. Stay tuned!

Too bad the freak show is going on. I’m pretty sure right now the neuron Nazis are being busy little buggers crossing the channel and bombing the living bejeezus out of the south coast of my cerebellum and I ain’t got no Spitfires to fend them off.

Take you, JFJ, you won’t have a problem. Not you with your PMA, goal setting, Rich Dad, Poor Dad, Mobile 1 lubed brain. Let’s see, how would you do it? Grab a sheet of paper. Six poems to write, so jot down 1, 2, 3 and 4, 5 and 6. Brainstorm a little, maybe a mind meld with Stephen King, call in a favor, use your last life line and jot down 6 good ideas and start writing lines. Do a couple of lines first and get your head even more right??

It’s a different story for me. Look at this triple pornographic image of a little bitty piece of my brain that I took with the magnetronomometer I bought at Walmart last week.

Neuron Nazi Scan
Neuron Nazi Scan

You can see the neuron Nazi – the big black spot – has all my little fuzzy puppy neurons captured in a stalag. Some of them are scattered and some are piled on top of each other. Like I said, a freak show. And I plan to write poetry when I can barely remember how to spell this word. It’s like my 40 footer papier-mâché paddle boat brain hit the Titanic’s infamous iceberg, there’s one life boat and I am trying to climb into it with one of the propellers tied to my left ankle.

But, I’m going to do it.

Uh oh, I think the last remaining still functioning fuzzy puppy neuron is mounting a Great Escape. Waiting on the other side of the fence is MacGyver with some dental floss, two pieces of kibbles and bits, a ribbed condom and a six-inch strip of uncured alligator skin – all necessary and sufficient to cut the fence. Helping him out are Chuck Norris as both offensive and defensive weapon, Leno brought the Ferrari, and Ahhhhnolllld brought everyone some Cheap Sunglasses.

Gotta go for now. Love ya mean it.

Yours most sincerely, appreciatively, and apologetically, with my kindest regards and hopes for another year of carbon footprints and global warning,

Dr. Sam Stone, Esq.

P.S. My so called best friend John told me to write to “Dear Abby.” I think I’ll pass on it. Oh yeah, here’s a little tune my other John-friend wrote. It might be about me.

“Brains of elderly slow because they know so much” from The Telegraph (UK)

Brains of elderly slow because they know so much – Telegraph.

“The brains of older people do not get weak. On the contrary, they simply know more.”

Hazmat Training at SCFA
Hazmat Training at SCFA

I’m not sure I agree with this – of course I don’t have to – but it’s kinda cool to believe this is why my thinking is so slow these days. That, and the drugs. It reminds me of the “Married With Children” episode “Kelly Knows Something” when Al enters Kelly in a trivia contest. While he is preparing her, with every new fact she learns one falls out.

I’m convinced this is happening to me and it’s time to take action. Before I retired from the fire department, I received training as an OSHA Hazardous Materials (HAZMAT) Technician. That’s me in the pic, naturally. The training taught me to safely mitigate and contain really dangerous substances. That’s the reason for the “moonsuit.”

I thought long and hard and concluded that if a Level A suit – which is the actual name for the “moonsuit” – is impervious to just about anything, then it will also work in reverse. In other words, nothing can get out of the suit, so as the facts fall out of my brain, they will collect in the suit, and when I need one, I can just look around and grab it when I find it.

I suspect it might get pretty tough trying to live in the suit, though. Right off the bat, I can imagine the biggest problem is when I need to slip out of it to sleep or eat. I haven’t figured out how to prevent the collected facts from falling out – you know, the facts that fell out of my brain and collected in the suit. Who knows what facts and memories might be lost forever for the sake of a banana sandwich and RC cola.

I’ll just have to try; and just figure it out as I go along. I can’t do it today, but tomorrow I’m going to try to find a suit I can buy. I say “buy” but I really mean, well, you know, borrow on a long term basis. If I can’t get it to work, I’ll just return it. I say “return” but I really mean, well, you know, sell it on Ebay for a handsome profit.

I’ll report my results later. I say “later” but I really mean, well, you know, later. And if Al Bundy ever wants to enter me in a trivia contest, I’ll be ready.

Dark Man – In Blue

Dark Man - in blue
Dark Man – in blue

Today, I have really struggled trying to write something – anything. There have been ideas a plenty, but I couldn’t get beyond the first sentence. Part of the problem, I’m sure, are the aches and pains that plague me every day – and the medications that accompany them. My head gets foggy and it’s hard to capture a thought, then communicate that thought from my brain to my fingers to the keyboard to intelligible writing. It’s just plain hard.

So I’ve watched a lot of TV, slept some, drank too much coffee again, and spent a few minutes here and there trying to write something. I also fooled around a little with some photographs.

This is the best I can do today.

It’ll have to do.









We cast a shadow on something wherever we stand, and it is no good moving from place to place to save things; because the shadow always follows. Choose a place where you won’t do harm – yes, choose a place where you won’t do very much harm, and stand in it for all you are worth, facing the sunshine.~E.M. Forster, A Room with a View.