“Brains of elderly slow because they know so much” from The Telegraph (UK)

“The brains of older people do not get weak. On the contrary, they simply know more.”

I’m not sure I agree with this – of course I don’t have to – but it’s kinda cool to believe this is why my thinking is so slow these days. That, and the drugs. It reminds me of the “Married With Children” episode “Kelly Knows Something” when Al enters Kelly in a trivia contest. While he is preparing her, with every new fact she learns one falls out.

I’m convinced this is happening to me and it’s time to take action. Before I retired from the fire department, I received training as an OSHA Hazardous Materials (HAZMAT) Technician. That’s me in the pic, naturally. The training taught me to safely mitigate and contain really dangerous substances. That’s the reason for the “moonsuit.”

I thought long and hard and concluded that if a Level A suit – which is the actual name for the “moonsuit” – is impervious to just about anything, then it will also work in reverse. In other words, nothing can get out of the suit, so as the facts fall out of my brain, they will collect in the suit, and when I need one, I can just look around and grab it when I find it.

I suspect it might get pretty tough trying to live in the suit, though. Right off the bat, I can imagine the biggest problem is when I need to slip out of it to sleep or eat. I haven’t figured out how to prevent the collected facts from falling out – you know, the facts that fell out of my brain and collected in the suit. Who knows what facts and memories might be lost forever for the sake of a banana sandwich and RC cola.

I’ll just have to try; and just figure it out as I go along. I can’t do it today, but tomorrow I’m going to try to find a suit I can buy. I say “buy” but I really mean, well, you know, borrow on a long term basis. If I can’t get it to work, I’ll just return it. I say “return” but I really mean, well, you know, sell it on Ebay for a handsome profit.

I’ll report my results later. I say “later” but I really mean, well, you know, later. And if Al Bundy ever wants to enter me in a trivia contest, I’ll be ready.